Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
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“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Received some very disappointing news today
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
School be like
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Mission: Impossible
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.