Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
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8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
yea so i messed up lol
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.