roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
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“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!