roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
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Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate