Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
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Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
When your best mate counts as a desk too
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book