roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
You Might Also Like
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
ouch
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.