Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
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Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
[eats all your cotton candy]
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
i meant to share this earlier
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?