Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
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I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.