@hansabumsadaisy

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

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@harriweinreb

computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”

@TheBoydP

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

@GoodZiIIa

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

@KeetPotato

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

@gibbet

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

@amydillon

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

@jojipaints

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

@trevso_electric

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.