Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,


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computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”


Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…


When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.


[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]


As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..


Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.


Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.


I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.