Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
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Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
no
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?