Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
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Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat