Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
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Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”