Roses are red
Violets are blue
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“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”