Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
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Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*