Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
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The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.