Roses are red
Violets are blue…
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“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol