Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”