Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
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I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”