Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours