Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

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I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”


[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean


I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.


is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while


(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?


We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls


The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.


I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.


The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.


He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.