Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
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Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
It’s the weekend y’all
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.