Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
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I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
dude it’s called proctologist
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Eggs benadryl my favourite
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now