Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

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Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.


My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.


When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage


Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.


*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”


16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake


The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.


I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.