Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
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Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still