@cravin4

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

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@amyistrouble

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

@DurtMcHurtt

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

@ThisOneSayz

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

@a_simpl_man

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

@liljonlovitz

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

@fowlerism

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

@david8hughes

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

@Dolly0Dolly

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.