Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
You Might Also Like
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
the short answer to this question
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.