[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
You Might Also Like
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.