Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
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“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.