RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
You Might Also Like
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.