RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
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I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us