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[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.