*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
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My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
men’s fashion peaked in 1838