RT if you know someone like this!!!
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Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
#parenting
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking