rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
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The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Cinematography is my passion
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.