Rt to bother an English speaker
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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
This text is literally my relationship with my mother: