Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
You Might Also Like
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Based Erika
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
the rocks need my help
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.