Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
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I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff