Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”