#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
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Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough