#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
You Might Also Like
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Duck typos.
much to think about
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”