#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
You Might Also Like
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park