#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
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I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.