#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
You Might Also Like
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
OMG 🤣🤣
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.