*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
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If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.