[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
i actually laughed 😩
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.