*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
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My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Called it
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…