*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
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The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer