*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
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I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”