*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
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him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?