@WetzelGeek Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
@Reverend_Scott *rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
You Might Also Like
@WetzelGeek 
@david8hughes “I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
@BizarreLazar Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
@XplodingUnicorn Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
@SaddleLawman Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
@SashaBrenner “Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
@PaperWash *Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
@XplodingUnicorn Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
@treydayway I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.