*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
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I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Rather alarming headline…
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet