[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
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Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
are they though??
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!