Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
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Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby