Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
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Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.