Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
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Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!