Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

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Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.


When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.


Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.


in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality


Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”


Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.


If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….


I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.


hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.


My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants