@_theigirl

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

@TheTweetOfGod

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

@SlipCarefully

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

@KindaHagi

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

@hunbothered

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

@SoNotThePoint_

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

@heyitsJudeD

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

@Dawn_M_

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

@the_kizzle

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

@DoreyZoe

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants