Rude much 😂😂😂
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[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Good boy 😂😂
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks